Over the past few months, I have developed a number of foolhardy techniques and bad but EFFECTIVE habits at positioning myself as a semi-effective marketing manager.
These techniques will help you survive the onslaught of inevitable confrontations with your dissatisfied boss, angry co-workers, or an irritated customer who has to deal with your ignorance of cup sizes and available stocks of panties in the back room. You aren't a saleslady or a pencil-pushing coordinator, for Chrissakes, you are a
Marketing Manager! CAPITALIZATIONS are necessary here!
1.) Learn the art of Wabi Sabi - "Do Without Doing."
One of my recent realizations about life is that things are essentially simple and uncomplicated, but that people just like to f**k things up. In my readings about Zen and Taoism, I have gathered that an
intricate philosophy lies at the center of all things -- a gravitational force that human beings, because of want and desire for material and inconsequential distractions, continuously resist; causing friction, frustration, and unrest in life.
It is called
Wei Wu Wei - the English translation of which is somewhat understood as "Do Without Doing." In our quest for material wealth and success (that huge salary, that MARKETING MANAGER title on your desk), we tend to forget that things follow Tao - the flow of the universe - and that events happen because they are meant to happen and that no amount of regret, justification, or defensiveness will change what was meant to be.
This applies to marketing as follows:
Let go and let things flow.
If your brand manager is upset because you didn't follow an event perspective according to plan (although you really, really, thought you were following the plan... But it turns out that your glasses were foggy at the time, and where you thought the registration table was supposed to be was actually an ink smudge ) - let go and let things flow.
If your boss isn't approving your projects or signing your proposals because they just don't meet her expectations - although God knows you've prayed for discernment about what these are supposed to be and are now considering the help of Satan to get you through the workweek - let go and let things flow.
If your supplier yells at you because it's been 3 weeks since an event and they haven't received the payment for balloons yet but it was out of your hands because your boss was out of the country and couldn't sign the check - let go and let things flow.
2.) Things will go wrong, so although you're pissed off as f**ck, smile when things do go wrong. :)
In the world of marketing, there are a few things that will never change:
Plans change all the time - They say that change is a good thing - but in marketing,
nothing could be further from the truth. Change is the enemy. When you've just closed a deal that took a month of intense negotiation and suppressed bouts of cardiac arrest;
and then suddenly have to cancel it due to the lack of budget or because something else came up that was somehow more important than something that took a month's worth of your time and energy at negotiation to achieve - that's when you know that change is a bad thing and that the world is an uncompromising suck hole that cares for no one.
It's all about the bottom line - No matter how exciting, unique, different, and promising a creative marketing idea is, the unavoidably cruel fact of life is that if that idea isn't going to give your company an ROI of at least 500%, you can say goodbye to all the telephone calls made to suppliers, sleepless nights trying to piece a proposal together, and time spent gushing about how awesome you think it would be to finally get your boss' signature on the cost estimate; and say hello to another stint at the drawing board and prepare yourself for another inevitable rejection... Welcome to marketing!
Don't expect a pat on the back for a job well done - After presenting that awesome marketing proposal to your boss/immediate supervisor; or even after effectively implementing an activity that just cost you a portion of your mental health and emotional well-being, always anticipate the following, oftentimes haunting, remark:
"
What's next?"
Although you can gauge the success of a marketing activity based on your feelings of awkward pride (i.e. having been featured in the events section of a leading newspaper, or in meeting the creme-de-la-creme of society after a "successful" store opening that somehow made you more enemies than you could have imagined possible) all your efforts, although sufficient, will have been in vain.
The fact of the matter is, it's never about
the amazing thing you just did that people want to know about - it's always about
what's next after what's next after what's next ad infinitum and so on... And when you're done with "what's next," it's usually "is that it?" and "yeah okay, but what comes after that?"
And so on.
3.) Always be prepared with an answer.
As a marketing person, you will have to deal with a lot of inquisition about the statistics, financials, and cost-effectiveness of your plans: in short,
every little freaking detail imaginable. So be prepared, at all times, with a handy reply to wipe your ass clean with.
Here are a few generic suggestions:
"I'll get back to you."
"Let me think about that."
"I didn't get your email/text/fax/what you said."
"My laptop/cellphone/iPad/iPhone was at the shop."
"Good idea, boss!"
Feel free to improvise and play around with all the statements I just cited above. Here's an example:
"(1)
Let me think about that and
(2)I'll get back to you. (3)I didn't get your email yesterday because
(4)my phone was at the shop - but
(5)that's a really awesome idea, boss!"
Notice how I changed "good idea" to
"really awesome idea."
Lastly,
4.) Roll with the bullshit.
If you don't make it, it's your own damn "vault." That's a bitch slap of truth right there.
~ Dr. Rick Marshall, author of "Matt Lauer Can Suck It."
My view of marketing is the perfect explication of Ockham's Razor - a law of parsimony stating that a hypothesis which makes fewer assumptions usually creates the best results.
(Please refer to point #1: Learn the Art of Wabi Sabi - "Do without Doing.")
I'm a simple, albeit eccentric, person - and hence all my marketing decisions are simultaneously simple and eccentric. As long as a marketing project satisfies two points - 1.) cost-effectiveness and 2.) brand/product exposure - then we don't need to talk. Just shut up and send me a contract, and I'll sign it. I don't care if our French bras are partnered with a washing machine brand. If the cost is good - a.k.a. nothing - in exchange for our brand logo on 5,000 copies of washing machine journals which 5,000 people will see, then I'm fine with it!!
French bras + washing machines = reasons why the world doesn't understand me.
Marketing isn't an exact science. Although companies expect your profit and loss plans fixed and in order - your expected costs and returns laid out in clear terms and conditions - the fact is that no amount of forecasting, prediction, or planning, will ever substantiate your results. No tangible evidence will ever prove how a print ad in that last March summer edition of Preview gave you incremental sales of 20% in that same month. Even IF it was correlative, did someone ever consider that last March was a particularly hot month for staying at home and that all the tenants/stores within that particular mall had sales increases due to the higher foot traffic of bored shoppers? You see, it's all about how you look at facts - the numbers, statistics, financials - and how you tweak those facts into valid arguments.
In short,
it's all about the bullshit. Marketing is 99% creative, energetic, time-wasting bullshit; 1% integrity. So learn how to roll with the bullshit, and become a ninja bullshit master: feel it, smell it, taste it, until you know every inescapable spongy nook and moist cranny. Learn the ways of bullshitting until it
becomes you - each word, each letter, smoothly slipping out of your mouth like crystal-clear spring dew.
Of course, the only thing you'll probably have to compromise here is
1% integrity - a very small thing comprised of your dignity, moral values, possibly your soul... But then again, nothing in life ever comes easy.
So these are my tips at becoming a semi-effective marketing manager. With luck - and possibly, Satan - on your side, who knows? You may rise to greater heights as the VP for a prestigious multinational corporation dealing in biochemical treatments for fat reduction; moving on, perhaps, to become the president and CEO of a global Geriatric cybersex service for the erectile challenged; etc...
In short, another Hitler, but with a lot more
"chutzpah" and
"pizzazz."
