Bad Fashion Advice: Perfecting that Just-Rolled-Out-of-Bed Look

After a night of watching too many Simpsons re-runs, you realize that the alarm is ringing. It's 6 AM and you have a meeting with the big fashion boss in less than 30 minutes. I'm sure that the big question on your mind is " *OHMYF()#@&^GOD What The Hell Do I Wear???"

Here are some good tips you can use to perfect that edgy, rough, and raw,"just got out of bed look" - the natural way!

FAWKED-UP TIP # 1: Hair

If you're like me, your hair is naturally wavy due to a tendency to forego the use of time-consuming implements such as brush or comb. This actually gives you an advantage as most people will perceive your curly locks as enviable, a.k.a naturally styled. What they do not know is that the act of tossing and turning in the night after a bath usually dries wet hair in such a way that the mattress acts like a press iron, giving you unintentionally wavy, styled hair. Use this to your advantage by NOT GIVING IN TO ANY KIND OF CRITICISM ABOUT YOUR HAIR WHATSOEVER. 

There's a trick to this: it's called "Keri" (Filipino gayspeak for "carry"; i.e. trying out a horrible fad that somehow works for you.. score!). If people think your hair looks funny, laugh with them and tell them how they also looked soooo hilarious that other day when they paired hot pink pants with a see-through leopard-print top.

FAWKED-UP TIP # 2: Make-Up

I have 3 basic cosmetic supplies that I swear by: a tub of Vaseline, Johnson & Johnsons baby powder, and a stick of drugstore-bought lipstick in a dark rose or berry shade. You have 2 options.

OPTION 1: After washing your face in the morning, lightly slather on a miniscule, pea-sized, amount of Vaseline across your face. Massage Vaseline into face until dry, or wipe dry with old towel. With your lipstick, draw single-stroke Indian war lines across both cheeks. With fingers or fist, create circular motions while massaging/smudging in the war lines until you recreate a healthy, rosy-cheeked glow (trick: follow your cheekbones). Gently pat on tiny shakes of J&J baby powder on your T-zone to matte any oiliness in the face brought about by using Vaseline as a facial moisturizer. Finally, using lipstick again, dot a few lines of color on your lips. Press and rub lips together. Voila.

It may sound tedious, but believe me - unless someone invents a "face" tattoo you can use every morning, this is peanuts.

OPTION 2: Wash face. Pinch cheeks and lips until capillaries break and hope nobody notices. When asked, feign lack of sleep, stress, impending illness, PMS - or all of the above.

FAWKED-UP TIP # 3: Clothes

If you're like me, you usually throw all clothes worn over the past few days all over your bedside chair, table, drawer, or quite simply, the floor.

Here's your answer: don't throw your clothes on the floor. Make sure to throw clothes on some kind of clean surface, such as a chair. You will find this useful, usually when Friday comes along and you find yourself too lazy to open drawers and cabinets, or in short, attempt to use your brain. 

So just throw on a pair of used black pants, a used black top, and black ballet flats. Black will always be chic.

Don't forget to douse yourself with long-lasting eau de parfum.I highly recommend Acqua Di Gioia by Georio Armani - mainly because I got it for Christmas.

FAWKED-UP TIP # 4: Other Tips That Might Come in Handy

• Well-stocked office supplies in your desk will serve you well. A trusty black sharpie will always color any scratches, tears, or peeled-off leatherette on cheap black shoes/bags/accessories in general.
• Don't forget to smoke a cigarette during long breaks and drink cups of strong black coffee. Slim cigarettes give you an air of sophistication and an "i don't need any bullshit from anyone today" vibe, while black coffee reinforces the vibe as fact. That way, everyone will know that you have legitimate reasons for not caring about something as superficially sh**ty and mundane as fashion.