Budget-Saving Tips for the Budding Fashion-nada

Okay, so let's say that after a few odd marketing jobs, you find yourself currently and mysteriously working as the marketing manager for a chain of relatively high profile fashion brands. You also hate spending money on anything and have zero tolerance for keeping up with the latest trends, dressing up like a frilly frou frou, and all that superficial cr*p.

One day, after a tiring afternoon of smiling like a retarded baboon in the face of your frustrated boss, irked suppliers, and irritated co-workers, you realize that the last thing you want to do is go out on a date with your Joaquin Phoenix incarnate of a boyfriend looking like a transvestite hobo.

In short, if you're like ME, then this article is for you!

BUDGET-SAVING TIPS FOR THE BUDDING FASHION-NADA

1.) Department stores are KEY.

Worried that your corpse-like complexion, distinct aroma, and ratty hair will get in the way of a night of potential excitement, i.e. holding hands for more than 5 seconds ? Then head on to the nearest Watson's or SM Department Store for a quick beauty fix with a LOT of options to choose from!!

For some strange reason, department store sales ladies will always be excited to spray you with the latest fragrance from Armani or paint you over with swabs of Maybelline and Revlon. You ACTUALLY don't have to do the work! So sit back, relax, and let the experts fuss over you with bronzers, blushes, eyeliners, and mascaras...... And then quietly thank them for their time. Sorry ladies - you don't have any money right now, but it was really nice of them to show you their wares.

On your way out, don't forget to grab a couple of those thin paper strips with perfume sprayed on them - that way you can retouch yourself when the perfume wears off.

2.) When in doubt, use your fingers.

Your fingers are valuable tools you can use anywhere and everywhere - squeeze your cheeks 'til blood vessels break, pinch your lips swollen until it looks as if you've eaten too many jalapenos. Fingers act as temporary combs, bendable hair rollers, imperfectly dulled tweezers - and in the absence of gel, smooth out stray hairs when wet (use water, don't rely on hand sweat).

3.) Office supplies are BEAUTY supplies!

Uh Oh - don't look at yourself now, but your caterpillar eyebrows are starting to grow out! A cutter blade or a pair of scissors should do the trick and nip stray hairs in the bud. Eyebrows misshapen or eyelids lacking definition? Non-toxic, water soluble, fine-tipped markers work just fine (I haven't tried it though - so reply to this post with your firsthand experience!) False eyelashes getting you down? Elmer's glue stick and a couple of hairs cut from your own head are the ANSWER.

4.) When all else fails, Project, Project, PROJECT.

What do RuPaul and Nikki Minaj both have in common apart from the fact that they both look like tranny twins? ANSWER: They both PROJECT TRANNY-NESS

Think about it: cut out RuPaul's silicone breast implants, trash the wig, and mop up all the layers of make-up - and all you have is a skinny Hispanic janitor guy who kinda looks like 50cent.

So, remember. The secret in life lies in one thing:

It's all about the "PROJECT." Is your fake Gucci/LV/Longchamp bag a class A rip-off from the stalls of a local bargain basement? Project. Worried that people might think your made-up eyes and tranny lips are a HACK instead of MAC? Project. Love handles and butt flab sticking out of your designer skinny jeans despite all attempts at self-induced gastroenteritis and cheap, one-time sessions at lipocavitation? Project.

Although you might encounter a few itchy bumps on your eyelids from using sharpies as eyeliners; megalomania from all that time spent looking at yourself in a mirror; or painful arthritis after years of wearing badly made 6-inch stiletto Jimmy Choos from China, who cares?

That's fashion.

You Don't Need an iPhad: 5 Trends that are Overrated and Dumb, According to my Boyfriend

Although I do have an inactive Twitter account, and a kick-ass brand new Samsung Galaxy Note I use for making calls and scribbling random drawings on, I am both amused and totally in agreement with my boyfriend's social commentary about contemporary trends, gadgets, technology, and life in general.

Listing to the radio one day in the car...
DJ: So anyway, my iDump totally started to hang and I couldn't download all my files...
Boyfriend: What's an iDump?
Me (Because I Understand Techie Things): It's something... you use to save files from your computer to your iPhone or iTouch,
Boyfriend: In my day, we used to call it a "folder."

My boyfriend has never owned a digital camera, hates having his picture taken, and has pledged eternal scorn towards Twitter and Facebook.

Because I have a huge brain that can't stop overthinking, I once told him that cyber identities are becoming more real than actual people. And that if you don't have a cyber identity, you no longer exist in contemporary society, where human interactions thrive on technology and digital media.

All he said was that he couldn't understand a word I said because he was tired.

  
Philosophical quotations from my guru boyfriend:
 
1. Twitter, Facebook, and All Social Networking Platforms.
 "I don't need to know about what you ate for breakfast."

2. Apple Everything: iPad, iPhone, iTouch.
 "Vanity."
 "We're all going to hell."
 "You need a cellphone for one thing and one thing only: making calls. Everything else is sh*t."

3. 14 megapixel cameras.
 "I have a camera I carry around with me 24/7.. It's called my memory."
 "What's with this in thing about people taking pictures of food and uploading it on Facebook?"

4. Partying at all the latest clubs, etc.
"I'd rather lie down, watch TV, and eat a quarter pounder."

5. Project Runway, Gossip Girl, and Being a Fashionista in General.
"Gay."

Nice.

Self-Deprecation and You: Because Being a Bitch is Boring and Passe.

One interesting aspect about working in fashion is being exposed to a particular "personality"-based life form: the incredibly annoying, extremely overbearing, pedigreed female canine - also known as a Class A Bitch. Unlike other creatures who survive on more important things in life such as oxygen to breathe and food to break down into energy; the inherent survival mechanism of any certifiable Bitch is somehow based on one thing and one thing only: Being a First-Class Bitch.

Like a scientist in a laboratory I have observed that Bitches are somehow drawn to backstabbing, gossiping, whining, and being impolite in general the way that monkeys get into the habit of picking fleas off each other. There's something oddly comforting about a routine that keeps you preoccupied.

The classic defense mechanism of the average nice person confronted with such an abhorrent life form is silence combined with seething aggression. But let me suggest an alternative strategy which, like the Tao of the universe, will let you sit back and relax as your enemies writhe in awkwardness, or like the diseased monkeys that they are, scratch their heads in confusion.

When a Class A Bitch insults your intelligence, don't lose your integrity and combat her insult with aggression: combat it with good ole unpretentious Self-Deprecation instead.

Sample Scenarios:

Bitch: "Your marketing ideas are overused, generic, and boring."
You: "Okay. :)"

Bitch: "I see that thrift fashion is making a comeback."
You: "Cool. :)"

Bitch: "Why does your hair look like a used mop?"
You: "Thanks for noticing. :)" 

Bitch: "Your marketing directions are vague and disorganized."
You: "Thanks for the comment. :)"

Bitch: (raises an eyebrow)
You: (smile, and then flip her the bird)

The thing about being a Bitch is that it's easy, mindless, and in short, pathetic.

As Sun Tzu said, "Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate.... Crushing their skulls under your heels and ripping their hearts out of their eyesockets."


Rock on.