Yes, I am officially unemployed!! And struggling to make ends meet from broken boot soles and jeans ripping at the seams to peeling leather jackets. Actually, I am exaggerating-- I don't own a leather jacket. The only jacket I own that sort of looks like leather is actually made of some kind of cheap vinyl, but if people think that this 20 dollar jacket I have on at the moment is real leather than f*** yeah!!!
People (two classmates) have repeatedly asked me, "Awkward Fashionada, how do you keep looking so awesome everyday despite the fact that I have seen that same sweater on you two days in a row?" Well, my dear friends, let me tell you. I have prepared, with much thought and insight, a guide to looking fabulous despite having zero money and some kind of retardation that incapacitates you from looking chic in any way whatsoever.
RULE #1: IMPROVISE.
3 pounds is not a lot of money in Wales. That translates into approximately any of the following life choices: a.) less than a third of the cost of the sight-seeing bus that takes you around Cardiff city on a boring day, b.) a pint of beer, with a few pence left over for a bag of chips provided you bum an additional 10 pence or so from your best mate, or, c.) a quarter pounder from McDonald's. Now with such hefty options as the ones I presented, you'd be hard-pressed to choose from the overwhelming array of possibilities.
So let's make it simple - with 3 pounds, you can actually buy stuff you can use REPEATEDLY, which, in emergency situations, just might alleviate a potential fashion disaster.
With this in mind - proceed to your nearest grocery, hardware store, best friend's closet, or dad's toolbox for the following FASHIONABLE diy accessories!
Case in point: safety pins.
Safety pins have always been associated with fashion. Think: loose pants, buttonless blouses, and babies' cloth diapers - safety pins have always been associated with tying up the loose ends of unraveling wardrobe malfunctions. But the humble pin has more to add to its fashion repertoire than keeping a woman's bottom from peeking out of her skirt.
Here are a couple of ideas in the name of safety pin fashion. Most of them are completely incomprehensible, stupid, and ridiculous, but hey, you get what you pay for.
Case in point 2: aluminum foil.
Aluminum foil is an amazing invention. Something I once associated with left overs and take outs from Chinese restaurants now officially has fashion stamped on it!! You can bend it, twist it, and fold it into all sorts of amazing accessories - from necklaces, helmets, and yes, even thongs!!
Case in point 3: electric cord.
'Nuff Said.
RULE #2: COMPENSATE.
Here's the situation - you wake up one morning and realize that the only clean sweater and denim pants you have with you are the ones you fell asleep in. OMFG, Lord. What to do now? Well, the answer is simple. Compensate.
With fabric freshener (preferably perfume) in hand, proceed to spray yourself over with Linen Fresh Summer Breeze or Antibacterial Citrus and Lemon. Not only will you smell divine - you'll kill a few germs in the process too!
Worried that you might smell like fabric freshener? Three Marlboro cigarettes will definitely do the trick to even out the odors and make you feel as hardcore as the Marlboro man. With cigarette between lips, don't forget to smooth out the wrinkled edges of your clothes by tucking in your pants tightly into your broken-soled boots, and rolling up your sleeves at bicep level to give you that "I don't give a shit about looking like shit today" vibe.
This may not work for everyone. Actually, it shouldn't be done by anyone. But, sometimes you can't have everything in life. C'est la vie.
RULE #3: FLAUNT YOUR ASS(ETS)
So you're tired of wearing the same black sweater everyday, and just realized that you packed five other sweaters of the same color to make laundry days a breeze. Before you kick yourself in the butt for being such a stupid head, stop and consider your derriere. Is it nice? Is it round? Is it attractive? If you have a tight pair of pants that emphasizes the gorgeous contours of your behind, then there might be some hope yet!!
Hair ferociously trussled and sexed up after a sleepless night on a lumpy mattress? WIN. Breasts swollen and ready to burst with the pain of an impending menstrual cycle? EPIC WIN.
Completely simple, but amazingly effective - a strategy you can use anytime, anywhere.
RULE #4: STARVE.
When all else fails and you think you might throw up from seeing yourself in the same black sweater day in and day out, the next best thing to do is, well... Starve.
First of all, and logically speaking - if you starve yourself, then you can't actually throw up. Second, starving yourself is a fashion prerogative, something genetically ingrained in every female brain since the day Eve stole an apple from God's tree. Why an apple and not a plate of juicy bacon, we'll never know.
All girls will say stuff like "Ohhh I would NEVER starve myself, that's horrible, that's anorexia!" or whatever, but the truth is that starvation is part of every girl's subconscious armoury of fashion quick-fixes. It's quick, it's cheap - heck we don't even know we're doing it!
Think about it. What do girls do when we put on weight? We say sh*t like we'll go on a diet, exercise more, get liposuction, or whatever. But at the end of the day, the truth is: we're too tired. We're sooo stressed. We don't have enough money -- so hmmm I think I'll treat myself to a well-deserved tub of ice cream. And then the next day after we realize that we just pigged out on a thousand calories of frozen lard, we compensate (see #2) and starve ourselves.
It's an unending cycle.
Third, finally, and most importantly: starvation = less money for food, more money for fashion. When you realize that 3 pounds for a quarter pounder from McDonald's will actually get you a nice bright blue sweater (instead of a black one) from Primark, then you know that happier (and thinner) days are at hand.
So congratulations, because with these tips at hand you've just mastered the art of being a poor (but semi-fashionable) student!!
So congratulations, because with these tips at hand you've just mastered the art of being a poor (but semi-fashionable) student!!
Cheers, mate!
