Of Beetlejuice and Cenobite Fashion: The Awkward Fashionada's Review of 2013!

A fabulously frumpy new year to all you awkward fashionadas! I realize that it's been a while (a very, very long while) since I've written about anything more exciting than a good pair of shorts, which you can read about in the post prior to this called "A Short Treatise on The Necessity of Shorts," so I figured that I owe you, dear reader, a lengthier-than-usual recap of the year in fashion that was 2013.

As some of you may know, I just spent one year abroad in a magical land called Wales. It was truly an experience! For instance, I actually had to follow my own fashion advice. Maybe you've read some of my how-to guides, such as "Bad Fashion Advice: Perfecting That Just-Rolled-Out-Of-Bed Look" or "The Poor Student's Guide to Fabulousness (Particularly If You Live In Wales)?" If you have, I congratulate you on your journey towards being a true fashion icon! If not, I highly advise you to follow my guidelines TODAY. I can personally attest to the merits of using sharpies to fill out peeled-off leatherette in torn shoes, or using safety pins to make an attractive necklace. Really, in fashion, your imagination will take you places you have never been before! Such as the hardware store to buy electric cord for a nice belt!

Yes my friends. In fashion, IMAGINATION is key. Don't believe me?? Why, last year's fashion was really off-kilter, oh wow, yes indeed, hooked on meth to spike the senses. I call last year's fashion in a nutshell "BEETLEJUICE AND CENOBITE FASHION." And here's why:

Spring and Summer 2013 was a season for bold stripes, particularly black and white suits on the runway. Here are some pictures from Glamour magazine:

And here is a picture of Beetlejuice:

Now, if you're curious about what Cenobites are, I'll show you in a bit. Spring and Summer 2013 was also a time for peek-a-boo tops and dresses. You know, those tops that are cut out in the back to expose backne and back hair? Not a pretty sight! Other tops following peekaboo fashion are cut in the midriff, because some people find side fat sexy. Here's another runway shot from Glamour. Let's call this shot A:

Fall and Winter 2013 was yet another season for leather. And for cheap people like me, leather basically means a 7-pound fleece blanket around the shoulders while walking around Cardiff. Here's a picture of high-class fashion. Let's call this shot B:

Now, if we take shot A and combine it with shot B, we basically get a Cenobite:

Or no wait, Cenobites:

TA-DAAAAAA!!! Amazing, no? But wait, there's more!

Here's another popular spring/summer 2013 fad: statement sunglasses!

And beading!! We must not forget beading:

For some strange reason, fashion designers from Mark Jacobs to Yves Saint Laurent probably found themselves out of ideas and turned to Beetlejuice and Hellraiser for inspiration. Well! All I can say is, BRAVO!! Now THAT'S using your imagination!!

So, to sum up my 2013 year in review, dear friends - all I can say is that if Marc Jacobs and Yves Saint Laurent could have been inspired by amazingly shitty 80s sci-fi and fantasy (I, personally, am in love with these genres), then you can be inspired by anything too!! Maybe that dog poo you stepped on yesterday will inspire you to create poo-repellent shoes that don't smudge and don't pick up dirt. Maybe staring at a wall the whole day will lead you to create a fabric made of self-adhesive concrete, or entire outfits made out of concrete!! Why concrete I have no idea but hey you're the designer!!

New year, new ideas. Can you see the potential goldmine of fashion opportunities in front of you? Because I sure as hell can. Why, just recently this guy created a spray-on fabric out of a can! That's right, you heard me! OUT OF A CAN. Just like silly string. And if he can do it, SO CAN YOU!

Cheers to fabulously fawked 2014!

A Short Treatise on the Necessity of Shorts

Let it be known to all who read these words that a good pair of denim shorts is probably ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD.

Never underestimate the power of shorts. On a boiling summer day seemingly shat from the bowels of Satan himself, a pair of shorts will provide the armor of coolness and comfort necessary to withstand hell's onslaught. Ventilation is most important when the flames of the sun bear down on your naked thighs.

Last year before I departed for the dark, gloomy and cold world that is Wales, I was about to pack three decent pairs of denim shorts into my suitcase. However my BFF Keisha came over the night I was about to leave, saw those shorts, and sealed my fate forever by REMOVING them from my suitcase.

"I mean, helloo-o!" Keisha grunted - as she bounced up and down on my suitcase, trying to cram in all the junk I'd packed the night before - "It's Wales. There are seagulls. It's cold."

Seeing how I would never be able to compete with that logic, off I went to Cardiff armed with five pairs of pants and enough leggings to start my own small retail emporium.

 Little did we know however that there was such a thing as summer. For some strange reason, Keisha and I safely assumed that summer was a glitch in the seasons in the Northern hemisphere.

We had this similar vision of white people freezing in beaches off the coast of the Isle of Man wrapping themselves in thick fleece towels. No, we thought, summer is something that happens in the tropics. That's why Spain colonized the Philippines in 1521, they were sick and tired of being deprived of fun under the sun. Wales? Shorts? No, such a phenomenon does not happen in Europe.

But guess what... WE WERE WRONG!!

Here is a picture of Welsh people celebrating Christmas in summer. There is no snow. Note the shorts.

So let this be a lesson to those old and young, one and all, who plan to traipse the continent one day in all their jewels, fur, and finery riding fine white horses in the snow. Friend, LEAVE YOUR JEWELS AND FUR BEHIND. IT IS ALL A LIE. YOU CAN SURVIVE.... WITH SHORTS.