Budget-Saving Tips for the Budding Fashion-nada

Okay, so let's say that after a few odd marketing jobs, you find yourself currently and mysteriously working as the marketing manager for a chain of relatively high profile fashion brands. You also hate spending money on anything and have zero tolerance for keeping up with the latest trends, dressing up like a frilly frou frou, and all that superficial cr*p.

One day, after a tiring afternoon of smiling like a retarded baboon in the face of your frustrated boss, irked suppliers, and irritated co-workers, you realize that the last thing you want to do is go out on a date with your Joaquin Phoenix incarnate of a boyfriend looking like a transvestite hobo.

In short, if you're like ME, then this article is for you!

BUDGET-SAVING TIPS FOR THE BUDDING FASHION-NADA

1.) Department stores are KEY.

Worried that your corpse-like complexion, distinct aroma, and ratty hair will get in the way of a night of potential excitement, i.e. holding hands for more than 5 seconds ? Then head on to the nearest Watson's or SM Department Store for a quick beauty fix with a LOT of options to choose from!!

For some strange reason, department store sales ladies will always be excited to spray you with the latest fragrance from Armani or paint you over with swabs of Maybelline and Revlon. You ACTUALLY don't have to do the work! So sit back, relax, and let the experts fuss over you with bronzers, blushes, eyeliners, and mascaras...... And then quietly thank them for their time. Sorry ladies - you don't have any money right now, but it was really nice of them to show you their wares.

On your way out, don't forget to grab a couple of those thin paper strips with perfume sprayed on them - that way you can retouch yourself when the perfume wears off.

2.) When in doubt, use your fingers.

Your fingers are valuable tools you can use anywhere and everywhere - squeeze your cheeks 'til blood vessels break, pinch your lips swollen until it looks as if you've eaten too many jalapenos. Fingers act as temporary combs, bendable hair rollers, imperfectly dulled tweezers - and in the absence of gel, smooth out stray hairs when wet (use water, don't rely on hand sweat).

3.) Office supplies are BEAUTY supplies!

Uh Oh - don't look at yourself now, but your caterpillar eyebrows are starting to grow out! A cutter blade or a pair of scissors should do the trick and nip stray hairs in the bud. Eyebrows misshapen or eyelids lacking definition? Non-toxic, water soluble, fine-tipped markers work just fine (I haven't tried it though - so reply to this post with your firsthand experience!) False eyelashes getting you down? Elmer's glue stick and a couple of hairs cut from your own head are the ANSWER.

4.) When all else fails, Project, Project, PROJECT.

What do RuPaul and Nikki Minaj both have in common apart from the fact that they both look like tranny twins? ANSWER: They both PROJECT TRANNY-NESS

Think about it: cut out RuPaul's silicone breast implants, trash the wig, and mop up all the layers of make-up - and all you have is a skinny Hispanic janitor guy who kinda looks like 50cent.

So, remember. The secret in life lies in one thing:

It's all about the "PROJECT." Is your fake Gucci/LV/Longchamp bag a class A rip-off from the stalls of a local bargain basement? Project. Worried that people might think your made-up eyes and tranny lips are a HACK instead of MAC? Project. Love handles and butt flab sticking out of your designer skinny jeans despite all attempts at self-induced gastroenteritis and cheap, one-time sessions at lipocavitation? Project.

Although you might encounter a few itchy bumps on your eyelids from using sharpies as eyeliners; megalomania from all that time spent looking at yourself in a mirror; or painful arthritis after years of wearing badly made 6-inch stiletto Jimmy Choos from China, who cares?

That's fashion.